


Aching Heart, Troubled Soul

by fannyvonfabulus



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: ALL OF IT, ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Bottom Clint, Clint Feels, Collars, D/s, Dom Phil, Dom Phil Coulson, Dom/sub, Gift Fic, I'm Sorry, M/M, Pheels, Pining, Post-Agents of SHIELD, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier, Promise, So very sorry, Sub Clint, Sub Clint Barton, Top Phil Coulson, Trust Issues, it's all OK in the end though, re-collaring
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-09
Updated: 2014-08-09
Packaged: 2018-02-12 11:06:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2107527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fannyvonfabulus/pseuds/fannyvonfabulus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil is alive.</p><p>Phil is alive and no-one told Clint.</p><p>Phil is alive and no-one has told Clint until now and all the air in the room has disappeared and he can’t breathe.  </p><p>His hand goes immediately to his throat and to the collar that isn’t there and his knees give out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Aching Heart, Troubled Soul

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry.
> 
> I just have a lot of feels about my babies.
> 
> L

Phil is alive.

Phil is alive and no-one told Clint.

Phil is alive and no-one has told Clint until now and all the air in the room has disappeared and he can’t breathe.  His hand goes immediately to his throat and to the collar that isn’t there and his knees give out.  He stumbles but Natasha is there to catch him.  She’s always here to catch him.  And Steve is there on his other side, big hands wrapping around Clint’s bicep and pulling him into that perfect, solid chest.

“With all due respect, sir, you’re an asshole,” Steve growls at Fury who stands there, a hint of concern in his eye.  Clint fists his hands in the super soldier’s shirt and tries to suck air into his lungs.

“That may be Captain, but understand that we needed to keep this under wraps, much like my own death,” Fury replies, face now schooled into his best blank expression.  Steve just glares at the now ex-director of S.H.I.E.L.D.  The ex-director who is currently dead as far as the rest of the world knows.  He turns to leave but pauses in front of the elevator door that JARVIS has already opened for him and turns his head slightly towards the trio.  “I’m sorry Clint….”

And then he’s gone.

Phil is alive and has been for _months._

Phil is alive but he hasn’t contacted Clint once.

Clint feels more lost now that when his Dominant died on the helicarrier after what the archer had helped to do.

Clint is lost and his collar is gone and his Dom doesn’t want him anymore.

 

            ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Phil has never stopped thinking about his submissive.

He knows that being dead is for the greater good but Clint is his sub, his boy, his beau.

Clint is his everything and without him he is nothing.

He feels untethered, restless.  He has no purpose without his archer beside him.  Sure, he has his rag-tag new team and that’s like herding a gang of feral children but he feels like their father.  Which is not the kind of Daddy he is.  That role is reserved solely and only for Clint.

His Clint.

His boy.

But it’s best for everyone and the bigger picture if he stays below the radar and stays dead.

Not matter how much it feels like his heart is missing.

 

            ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Natasha finds out where Phil is, of course she does.

All it had taken was one look at Clint’s ghostly white face when Fury had dropped the bombshell and she had disappeared from the room in the blink of an eye.  Steve had Clint and he’ll be safer with their Captain than with anyone else.

Except if he was with Phil.

It didn’t take long to track down the new Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. and when she did, Phil was lucky she left him with all his limbs.

 

                        ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Clint paces his room on the only remaining helicarrier, chewing his bottom lip and trying to figure out how to deal with the fact that his Dom is alive and doesn’t want him.

His hand comes up to his throat every few minutes, even though he knows his collar isn’t there.  After the first 4 months, he’d started taking it off at night, unable to stand the loneliness anymore or having the constant reminder of what he’d done that had helped cause the death of his Phil.  He’d place the collar on his bedside shelf and stare at it, the dark purple leather a bittersweet souvenir of when he had been happy.  Truly happy.  He’d had everything he’d ever wanted. He had _belonged_ to someone.  Phil had loved and cherished him, just like he had always wished for.

Then he’d fucked it all up by helping to get the one perfect thing in his life killed.

Eventually, Clint had taken his collar off completely. 

That’s when his heart had truly broken.

Phil was dead.

8 months after New York, Clint had taken off the thick strip of supple leather, put it in its box and hidden it in the bottom of his locker.  He had given up living in the house that he and Phil owned, unable to face the familiar scents and surroundings.  He’d packed a duffle bag, taken Phil’s pillow and left for the last remaining helicarrier, still disguised as the sky over Manhattan.  It was easier, floating there above everything; easier to believe that he was safe and invisible to the world.

So now Clint paces.

He knows where Phil is thanks to Nat so now he has to decide.  What does he do with the information?  Does he accept his fate and that he is now a sub with no Master because his Dom doesn’t want him?  Or does he go to Phil and demand to know why and hope that he’s still wanted?  He can’t decide and feels as though he’d coming apart at the seams for the umpteenth time in the last 12 months.

If he could just see Phil’s face one more time….

 

                        ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Natasha waits and watches to see which one of them will snap first.

She had been to see Phil just to confirm that yes, he is alive.  She didn’t say a word when she’d slipped in through the kitchen window and handed Phil the box.  She knew it was all there on her face: the threat, the anger and the protectiveness.  She could tell by the slump of Phil’s shoulders and the pinch in his features that he knew.

She could see it when Phil worked out that Clint had been told, his eyes raw and full of regret.  She had given her ex-handler a look that would have withered lesser men before promptly leaving the same way she’d come in.

She hadn’t needed to say single word.

 

                        ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Phil has lost Natasha’s respect.

Worse than that, he had lost her trust.

And the Black Widow does not trust easily.

Phil has broken that.  He’s lost them both because he had listened to Marcus and stayed dead.  It was the belief and assurance that it was for the greater good that he hadn’t rushed to Clint’s side as soon as he’d woken up after what happened in New York.  He was alive but it hadn’t stopped him from feeling dead and empty inside because he couldn’t go to his boy.  Couldn’t wrap his sub in his arms and tell him that he was real, that he was alive.  Couldn’t reassure his boy that New York wasn’t his fault, that Phil dying wasn’t his fault.  He knew that Clint would be blaming himself, tearing himself apart and there was no-one there to tell him that it wasn’t his fault.  The rest of the Avengers would try but they wouldn’t be able to give Clint what he needed.

Phil sighs and rubs his hand over his face.  He’s back in the house that he and Clint had owned.  _Still_ own.  He’s glad that Clint hasn’t sold it, but it also shows that his archer has abandoned their life together.  Whether it’s because of the memories or just the thought of living alone that Clint can’t bear, Phil doesn’t know.  Probably both if he knows his sub.  And Phil doesn’t want to know.  He doesn’t even know why he’s here.  He had just wanted something familiar, something to let him feel close to his boy for a few days before he consigned himself to never having Clint back.  His archer wouldn’t want him now, how could he?  A relationship based on trust and honesty was something they used to have.  Phil had broken that, much like with Natasha. 

But with Clint it was so much more different.

Clint is precious, sacred.  Clint who doesn’t trust _anyone_ thanks to his past but who had trusted Phil.  Trusted Phil to take care of him, to take him apart and put him back together.  Trusted Phil to keep him safe, keep him from his own head.

Phil has lost Clint and it’s a pain that he knows will haunt him for the rest of his pathetic life.

 

            ****                ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Clint is kneeling on the front door mat of the house that he owns with Phil.

Clint is kneeling and his head is bowed, his hands clasped together tightly behind his back and he is trembling so hard that his teeth are occasionally chattering.

He doesn’t know why but he’s wearing his best suit pants and waistcoat in dark charcoal and an equally dark purple shirt and tie.  He’s even shined his dress shoes.  His hair is still its usual blond mess sticking up all over the place, no matter how much he attempts to tame it.

He’s made his decision and he needs to see Phil, he has to.  He needs answers and he needs to hear it from Phil’s mouth that he no longer wants Clint as his sub.  He needs Phil to do this one last thing for him so that he can try and start over.  The thought makes him choke out a sob but he composes himself. 

He takes a hand from behind his back and knocks on the front door.

He holds his breath and waits.

 

            ****                ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Phil frowns when he hears the knock at the door then sighs.  If it was Natasha, she would have just slunk in through a window. Which means its Marcus as he’s the only other person who knows where Phil is.

It’s not Marcus.

When Phil opens the door, it’s not Nick but Clint. 

His boy, his pup, his beau.  His perfect, beautiful Clint kneeling on the door mat, head bowed and hands behind his back. 

Phil sucks in a breath, he can’t help it. 

Clint is here and he’s beautiful and Phil feels tears stinging his eyes.

Phil can’t help but reach out to bury his fingers in his sub’s unruly blond hair and his heart starts beating again when Clint leans into the touch.

Clint is here and he’s perfect and Phil feels the empty void inside him start to fill with hope.

 

            ****                ****                ****                ****                ****                ****

 

Clint hears the door open and sees the tips of Phil’s shoes appear on the threshold.

 _Phil’s_ shoes.

He hears Phil suck in a breath and then there are familiar fingers in his hair so he leans into the touch.  How can he not?

_Phil…_

He lurches forward but Phil catches him, of course he does.  A firm hand in his hair guides Clint’s head to Phil’s hip and he breathes in the scent of his Dom.  The scent that he thought he had lost forever.  Phil strokes the back of his neck and Clint sinks further.  His shoulders sag and the tension in his thighs dissipates. 

They stay like that on the threshold of the house until Clint is sure he has himself under control.  When he does, he sighs and tips his head upwards, eyes finally settling on Phil’s face.  He looks tired and Clint’s eyes fill with sadness.

But he has questions that he needs answering.  So, for now he files away his concern for Phil’s health and asks the question:

“Why?”


End file.
